I can deal with people who are like that, they do not bother me. Anything that good that happens me they seem to hate it. I was recently out of work, and they were making snide comments, plus I was overweight and they were openly making comments about me eating too much in front of the wife. They are fake friendly, like acting friendly publically, but its always mixed with insults and generally nasty behaviour.
Anyway here is thing that annoys me, my wife always telling me subtly that I am competiive towards them, she seems say that I wind them up, she will never admit in anyway that they are competitive in the slightest. She makes comments like ';oh such they bought this';, or my BIL is so good to her Sister, or like he is much better than me - She seems to know that it annoys me, and its driving me up the walls, why can she just not get on my side and act like a wife. If she could just get on my side, I know I could deal with this, but if she is constantly hovering between me and them, and winding me up in the process.
She will never accept in anyway that their behaviour is wrong, its like I can't even discuss it. I just feel a build up of anger in me, and there is no release. I feel like leaving her a lot of the time, but then a part of me feels that the in laws might have pushed me away.
I should add if anything, my in laws are more competive, they always seem to want to have a bigger house and better cars, they always seem annoyed if things are going well for me, its like there looking to pick problems.
I have a good career, but I am not so much into posing, and buy better cars and looking rich. I do what I want to do - I don't get sucked into competing with others so much financially
I just feel she is not acting like a wife, she should show me more support, she is cold toward me, like a workmate or flatmate relationship. I feel isolated, I feel my in laws have done there upmost to isolate me, and that my wife has been manipulated into it by them. I should add that I get on with my other in laws fine, there is no problems there.
For know I have decided that she does not have my interests at heart - I play an outward game when we are together of getting on with her, and her family, but pursue my own interests and objectives without sharing too much with her.
How can I get her to realise and see through that this BIL and SIL, do not have our interests at heart, and are only interested in one upping us, while playing the game of being fake friendly - or do I just let her go and leave her to the inlaws by herself - as quite honestly I feel like that most days, or continue with things as they are.
if I try to sit down and say all this to her she will deny in way that this is going on, and thats its all in my head, and they have nothing against me - does she know whats going on, and she is playing mind games with me?How should I deal with Competitive inlaws and an unsupportive wife?
You claim not to be competitive yet clearly you are. Try this: Don't whine to the wife anymore about it. Acknowledge their superiority in everything. If they put you down or insult you, agree with them and thank them for pointing out your flaw(s). Complement them profusely for whatever achievements they may have accomplished. Do you see where I'm going with this? Try it for a few months and watch how it transforms the situation. Good luck.How should I deal with Competitive inlaws and an unsupportive wife?
Best advice I have is ignore your in laws in this fashion. Next time you are around them let them initiate conversation, when they say something be short and nice. That's nice, oh really? Don't respond to their antics with anymore than two or three word genuinely happy phrases....This will antagonize your in laws which should cause more ugly behavior to surface. Once your wife sees how they behave after you have said nothing at all she will realize how they are. If she doesn't she isn't worth the pot she pisses in.
Wow, this is quite the bind your in. You sound like a level headed person who doesn't need to do things according to how people want you to. Which I must add is a good thing. However your wife should be for you, not against you in this case. Its not as if your doing something horrible that should make her this way. All your asking for is respect. Personally it sounds like your in-laws are sticking their noses where they don't belong. Now i understand every parent wants whats best for their kids, but your wife is an adult who needs to make her own opinions and views on things. She shouldn't care what her parents think, especially when all they do is degrade you. She married you for better or for worse and obviously knew the man you were before she chose to marry you. Her parents should not have that much of an impact on your relationship. It's you and your wife, not you two and the in-laws, and this is something your wife needs to realize. There is a time and place for in-laws/parents to say something and a time when they have to let their children grow up and not always comment but rather be quiet and let them live. Your helping to support you wife, its not as if your sitting at home not trying. You need to be respected, not put down, because there are wives out there living a worse life then what yours is, so she should grow up and except how you feel/be mature enough to admit her wrongs. Im not going to suggest divorce, but it does sound like they expect too much from someone who is already doing the best they can. So what if you don't need the biggest house, best car etc. Marriage is about being happy, not about the cash flow and extra perks in life. Your wife should be happy with what she has! I don't know if you have children or not, but if not I will warn you that when and if you do, don't be surprised if the parents try to have their say on how you raise your kids. If you cant talk to your wife about it (like you said) and she wont listen/always plays it off like she doesn't do what you say she does, then truthfully its not worth it. Whats the point in being in a relationship if you spend 90% of your time defending it, or trying to get your feelings across. If she is not willing to change, I hate to say it but end the relationship before it gets worse. There will be a woman out there who will love you for you, and be for you, not against you. She wont need what her parents say or expect. After all a relationship is about 2 people in love not two people and the parents. Good luck!! I can see how this can be stressful!
Play them at their own game. They're goading you to get a reaction. Tell them that you appreciate their opinion and that you will try harder in future. Patronise them like this and they'll soon get the message and feel like fools.
As for your wife, she probably feels stuck in the middle with all this as you and her parents are the most important people in the world to her. She can't side with one or the other...shes damned if she does and damned if she doesn't if you get what I mean?
Hope it works out for you.
by you bringing it up to her about the in laws.. makes you competitive and you appear weak in her eyes for complaining that her parents don't treat you right.. your married to this woman.. be her husband and be responsible for the well being of your family.. don't ask her to defend you. Instead when your with the in-laws and they start up. simply say to your wife. lets go... you make the decisions, you provide for your family. and you don't argue with anyone about your family and about the decision you make for your family. she will gain respect for you because you are taking on the role of husband.. be polite and respectful to her parents.. not because they are of good character,, but because you are.
What attracted you two to eachother? It's not mind games it's just a fact of life that she's always been in this family and this is just the way they are. You can always look at her mom and know for sure she is either going to be just like her or have some compassion for her husband (you). Blood is always thicker than water I hate to say and if she isn't deffending you then what kind of marrage is this? Sounds very unhappy. If you do love her I guess you can hang in there..I'd rather not be constantly upset myself. What's going to happen when you have children? Either you go to counseling which you really should or part ways.
yes!
Hey Mike,
After reading your post, there are many big issues here that probably require some counseling if you both want to save the marriage. Things will get worse for you and her plus the family. I am a marriage counselor and around to help. Feel free to email me: Lou@attainmentlife.com
If she continues to be un-supportive and things do not drastically change, then you both are delaying the inevitable...Communication must be revived and you both need to find a true common ground going forward.
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